How the Trauma of Rejection Contributes to Life Falling Apart. Part 2 of my ‘How to Survive in A Spiritual Wilderness’ Series.

Trauma:  ” … A deeply distressing or disturbing experience…”

Rejection: ” … the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc…. the action of spurning a person’s affections.”

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Trauma visits most of us at some point in life. Often, by it’s very nature, it arrives out of the blue, taking us unawares, leaving us rocked, shocked and quaking in it’s wake. The physical, emotional, psychological and often practical impact on us can be long lasting.

I’ve often pondered on the fact that some people seem to suffer more trauma than others.

Or, more truthfully, that my life seems to have experienced more trauma than others.

 In Part 1 of  my  How To Survive in a Spiritual Wilderness When Life Has Fallen Apart. Part 1. , I briefly outlined the time following my breakdown, specifically the immediate aftermath of waking up one evening and discovering that something within me had broken so irresolutely that I was scared to breath for fear that the fragility within would bring me to a final, deathly breakage. 

Questions. Questions.

It’s now several years since that fateful night yet I’ve never forgotten how, once I began my slow crawl to recovery, there were two questions that kept turning over in my mind:

 Why had this happened to me?

How was I ever going to recover?

I found myself focussing, inevitably, on the first question:

Why had this happened to me?

 What a journey that questioning was to lead me on.

 A Journey Into The Caves of the Past.

A journey in to the caves of my past where all my hidden hurts and sorrows, losses and grief were hidden.  A journey back in time, uprooting pretty much every pain I had gathered along the way. A journey in to the depths and breadths of my core wounds.     

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 Is, however, it right to drag up the past?

Many people might wonder if that was the right thing to do. When life was already in such a difficult place, why drag up pain from the past? Wouldn’t that be detrimental, keeping me stuck in a state of un-wellness, prolonging my journey back to wellness?

 I’m sure others might feel that to be true and there does come a time to release the past and welcome in the future but, at that point, for me, it was the only way. I had to try and make sense of all that had happened to bring my life crashing down.  My healing instinct left me in know doubt: 

the past was the road to the future.      

   

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 Although this journey was to eventually take me back many years to when I was just a tiny child, it was to the life of another child that my journey initially led me. A more recent traumatising event. An event that had taken place just three years before my breakdown.

To the birth of my own child.

Motherhood.

 September 2002.

 

The clear blue line gently came to life, resting strongly in parallel synchronicity with the model line to it’s left.

 

Positive.

 

Pregnant.

 

A new life growing inside me.

 

I’d just left the security of my teaching job and opened a restaurant, working long days often finishing in the early hours of the morning. I’d also just relocated from the South of England to the Midlands, buying a new home in a small and isolated rural village, leaving behind friends and community. Ready to begin afresh.

My life was on the cusp of so many new uncertainties that had felt, at the time of the change to be big adventures yet now here was the biggest cusp of all.

 Motherhood.

 I instantly loved this unborn child with every fibre of my being. I had no doubt:

 This child coming to life was heaven sent, my soul purpose in life, my reason for living.

 Knowing what I now know of what was to come, it was good that I felt so strong and positive.

 The Father Receives the News.

I spent a few days taking in the news in my own personal way, quietly sitting by myself. Not speaking, just being and feeling. Connecting with my child. I wanted this sacred time with my child before bringing the news of my pregnancy out in to the world. I had no idea how anyone would react, most of all the child’s father whom I’d only been dating for just a short while.

 One afternoon a few days later, sitting on the floor of my dining room with a shaft of bright afternoon sun streaming on to the floor in front of me, I called him.

man-talking-on-the-phone-1582238_1920 He answered in a nonchalant manner. It was hard to know what to say, so I thought it best just to get on with it:

 “ I have something to tell you.” Deep breath.  “I’m pregnant.”

 Without a pause, he replied:

 

“ Well, that’s fucked everything up. I was going to tell you that I’ve been seeing someone else and I want to marry her.”

 

I hadn’t really known what to expect but, as you can imagine, I wasn’t expecting exactly that as a response.

 

Numb with shock, I don’t remember too much about the ensuing conversation. It was clear that he wasn’t interested in becoming a father. He decided to take some time to explore what kind of a role he wanted to play in the child’s life agreeing to ” … get back to me …”  

Terror 

Needless to say, he didn’t ‘get back to me’. Several weeks later, I called him again where, once more, he made it clear that he wanted nothing further to do with me or his child:

 “ I don’t want to know when it’s born or what it is. I don’t want any photos. I don’t want to know anything.”

 

I held the receiver to my ear taking in this rejection, my hand placed protectively over

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 my stomach shielding my child’s ears from these harsh words from it’s cruel father, aware of only one sensation:

 

Terror.

 

The overwhelming awareness that I was now solely responsible for this precious unborn child growing within me.

 

No words will ever describe the awareness that such a responsibility brings with it.

 

But there was something else too.

Resolve 

Washed in with this terror was a resoluteness, a silent promise to my child:

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 I will never let you down. I will do everything in my power to bring you in to this world safely and to provide you with everything you need. You will never go without and that includes sufficient love. I will love you with the love of a mother and a father. I will never allow you to feel anything other than what you are:

the most precious gift to this world and the most precious gift to my life.

 

 

Little did I know, however,that my life was about to spiral further out of control. Little did I know that in a just a few short months, three months too early in fact, my child was about to make an early and traumatic arrival in to this world.

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 Whilst I kept my promise about love, I was soon to learn, as I’ll share with you in my next blog, that a fragile young premature baby needs a whole lot more than love. 

And so does her mother.

 Sending You All My Love, 

Karen

xxx

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author & Spiritual Healer who runs on-line and live wilderness retreats for adults who are in the midst of their own spiritual wilderness so that that they can re-claim their joy and purpose in life.

She is currently writing the book: The Love Millionaire – Cultivating the Art of Inner Richness.

To find out more about Karen, visit: About Karen!

To work with Karen, visit: Work With Karen

To connect on Facebook, visit: https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

To connect on Twitter, visit: https://twitter.com/karen_packwood

Email Karen at karenpackwood@gmail.com

© No part of this blog may be reproduced without the written permission of the author.

Karen would like to thank her daughter for giving permission to publish the story of her birth within this blog series.

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My Life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Survive in a Spiritual Wilderness When Life Has Fallen Apart. Part 1.

Dictionaries define the words wilderness, spiritual and falling apart thus: 

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Wilderness:  ” … a wild and uncultivated region, as of forest or desert, uninhabited or inhabited only by wild animals; a tract of wasteland…” (1)

Spiritual:   “… relating to deep feelings and beliefs …” (2) 

Falling Apart: “… to lose one’s emotional or mental composure…” (3)

Once, however, you’ve found  yourself ‘fallen apart’  in the midst of a spiritual wilderness,  you know that, in reality, these  descriptions are tame. In fairness, it’s hard to find the right words or phrases to describe the living hell that is at the heart of a true spiritual wilderness. For me, the one word that comes close to summing it up is: bereft.

Bereft: … feeling great loss … a sense of deprivation or lack… ” (4)

But even that doesn’t quite get to the nub of it.

Those of you that have been there will know exactly what I mean.


I first, consciously, found myself in the heart of a spiritual wilderness ten years ago following a massive breakdown.

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shame, weakness, failure …

In the middle of one dark February night, I awoke and fell apart. Quite literally shattered in to smithereens. My life was about to change course – drastically. 

Forever. 

For the better.

Of course, I didn’t know that then. All I knew then was that I was completely unable to function. As the lone mother of a young toddler, I should have been terrified. How on earth was I going to cope?

Interestingly, I wasn’t terrified. I was too broken and numb to know what I was feeling or thinking. I wasn’t thinking or feeling. I wasn’t even being.

For the first six months of that period, I did nothing but sleep. I even had to move in to a relatives home in order to be cared for.

I have absolutely no memory of those six comotosed months.

What I do remember is waking up, the sensation of ‘coming too’.

 

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the black hole …

 

Unable to open my eyes, I lay there, simply sensing what was going on within me.

It was my legs that caught my fleeting attention first with their weak weight against the mattress. I knew that there was no strength in them to move. 

 This awareness was followed by my first thought in over six months:

‘ My life will never be the same again.’

It came in rapidly, as thoughts do, leaving just as quickly. Washed away by a tsunami of terror that crashed through me, reaping destruction on every shred of my confidence and former life along the way.

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complete and utter overwhelm…

How would I be able to survive this inner natural disaster ?

I had a young child to care for. I had myself to care for yet here I was – utterly broken.

The tsunami was swiftly followed by  bleak depression which became an unwelcome resident within me, an unwanted partner in crime on what was to be a long, lonely and lost pathway within my own inner wilderness.

It’s a good job that I didn’t know then that I was going to be walking on that desolate road for several years. It might, however, have helped me to know that I would, one day, look back and be so deeply grateful to have had the rich gifts of that journey.

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blood, sweat and tears..

For it was on that journey, where I often felt as if I were dying or yearned to die, that I came back to life. I was re-born and reconnected with a part of myself that had died a long time ago. Way before the actual breakdown occurred.

Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t so much that something had died, more like I just hadn’t given birth to the part of myself that was to come to life while I walked what I now describe as:  The Wilderness Way.

So what did come to life? What did I give birth to?

The answer is quite simple.

I gave birth to my life as I am truly meant to be living it.

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when the smile finally returned….

I gave birth to freedom of self, to honouring my true needs, to understanding my true worth and value, to appreciating my self-esteem, to acknowledging my gifts and how I want to express them in the world from a stance that is perfect for my own highest well being. I gave birth to the rhthym in which I wish to live my life.

You see, I had to reach a point of breakdown. I was so far removed from who I truly was that I just couldn’t function any more. We are not born to live false, dead lives. What is the point in that? We are born to live according to our own precious uniqueness. We are here to have fun and to laugh – a lot. We are here to adventure with ourselves – taking delight in all that we are capable of. We are born to get to know ourselves on every level. We are born to be, quite simply, happy. On our own terms. For the greater good of all.

When you are in the wilderness, you might feel like the most lonely and lost person in the world, yet all you are really doing is embarking of a journey of discovery. You are on the pathway back to finding yourself. Behind every tree or under each moss laden rock, there is a part of you to re-claim. On the bank of each wild river there is a  ‘you’ who is eager to swim courageously to the other side to meet a brand new part of your self.  Beside each roaring fire, there is part of you ready to re-ignite your life in so many exciting ways. Under each full moon, there is part of you ready to sit in peace and silence, knowing with surety that you did what you came here to do.

‘But Karen,’ I hear you ask, ‘I have a yearning for this way of living but I haven’t had a breakdown,  yet I feel so lost. I want to feel these things you describe. I want the courage to swim that river and to feel the peace under the moon. I  want to sit by that fire and re-ignite my life.

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Are You Doing What You Came Here to Do?

Do you have to have had a breakdown in order to feel as if you are living in a wilderness?’

The answer is simple:

No.

You do not have to have suffered an horrific breakdown to find yourself in the wilderness.

The wilderness will reveal itself in different ways to different people.

For some, like myself, it came as a dramatic occurrence, manifesting as a long-lasting debilitating illness of some kind whilst, for others, it can be a more subtle, nagging ‘knowing’ that all is not well. You know, where you find yourself sighing a lot or having that ‘ there must be more to life than this’ thought regularly.

Take my advice. This is the time to act. Those sighs and thoughts are clear indicators that part of you is living in the wilderness, where many aspects of your life are depleted, malnourished or out of balance and where you have a yearning and knowing that all is not as it is meant to be. They are clear signs that your life essence is calling out to you, screaming:

‘Come back to who you were always meant to be.’

I didn’t listen to those signs. I was too busy living life at too fast a pace, giving way too much to others, ignoring my self and, quite frankly, just too ignorant to even know that those sighs and yearnings were internal gifts trying to nudge me in the right direction. I urge you – don’t be like me. After all, look how I ended up. Seriously ill and at a place where it has taken years to recover.

Then I hear your next question:

‘How Karen? How do you do it? How do you recover from a breakdown? How do you pull yourself out of depression? What do you do with that ‘ there must be more to life than this feeling?’ 

I’d love to tell you that there is a simple and easy answer to these questions but the truth is, there isn’t. And I’m not going to lie to you.

My recovery from my breakdown and depression has been one of the hardest, loneliest and most terrifyingly complex experiences of my life. It has destroyed me on the inside and crumpled my life on the outside. It has been a long slow crawl back to life. 

But it has been worth it.

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joyful fun with my daughter!

I am genuinely happier than I have ever been before.      

 

Ultimately, my breakdown liberated me. 

I have rarely spoken (or written) in depth about my journey of recovery, mainly due to the fact that it’s taken all my effort to just do the work I needed to do to come to a place of wellness again.

Another contributory factor is that behind any breakdown there are, often, deeply personal and traumatic experiences that can be painful to re-visit. It’s desirable to deal with those and move on. 

 Now, however, due to the interest demonstrated by readers of some of my recent blogs, I’ve decided to devote my writing this year to telling the story of my recovery – in the hope that it might help others who are living with the horror and terror of such a difficult experience.

 I shall be posting these experiences on this blog on alternate weeks. If you would like to follow my story of recovery, please feel free to follow me here. 

In my next blog, I shall be sharing the heart-rending story of one of the key life changing events that triggered my descent in to my breakdown, casting me in to my own spiritual wilderness, leading me in to the heart of The Wilderness Way. 

 If you are struggling to survive in your own spiritual wilderness, please know that I am sending you love, strength and courage. I urge you to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope my sharing my story and, more importantly, how I dug my way to recovery, helps you do the same. In the meantime, you might find these two articles that i wrote at the end of last year helpful:

1: How My Breakdown Helped Me to Learn to Trust my Inner Wisdom

2: 4 Nourishing Ways to Cope With Falling Apart.

Remember: ” … the greatest adventure is the journey of our own transformation once we begin to honour our truth…” (Karen Packwood – The Love Millionaire).

Sending You Much Much Love,

Karen

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author & Spiritual Healer who runs on-line and live wilderness retreats for adults who are in the midst of their own spiritual wilderness so that that they can re-claim their joy and purpose in life. 

She is currently writing the book: The Love Millionaire – Cultivating the Art of Inner Richness. 

To find out more about Karen, visit: About Karen!

To work with Karen, visit: Work With Karen

To connect on Facebook, visit:  https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

To connect on Twitter, visit:    https://twitter.com/karen_packwood

Email Karen at karenpackwood@gmail.com

 

© No part of this blog may be reproduced without the written permission of the author. 

 

 

 

How to ‘Joyfully Negotiate’ Rather Than Argue!

The Art of Joyful Negotiation.

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I was giving a couple a clairvoyant reading recently when a brusque, no nonsense relative came through. She was the kind of lady with whom you always knew your place. She had a heart of gold but wouldn’t think twice about giving you short shrift if you needed it. There were no mincing of words in her household and a clip around the ear wouldn’t have been balked at either!

 

She was in the process of sharing some information with my clients when she gave them an instruction that had a very clear phrase attached to it:

 

joyful negotiation.

 

She told them to write this phrase on their fridge as a constant reminder to always ‘negotiate joyfully’!

 

My clients and I talked about it briefly after the session, all agreeing that it was a much nicer phrase than ‘arguing’ and a more positive way of approaching difficult issues in a relationship. To be given permission to joyfully negotiate, rather than argue, immediately creates a sense of ease and comfort around any difficult issue. It suggests support, care, openness – a willingness to be heard and to hear. To come from a place of love rather than a place of defence or blame! It even suggests that it might be fun!

 

Doesn’t it sound a whole lot nicer than:

 

                                                                       “ We need to talk!’

 Or:        angry-man-274175_1280

 

“ Why do you always …..etc”

 

You know the kind of thing. Criticism. Blame. Defensive behaviour.

 

I think this lady who came through had a message for us all. Let’s stop arguing, blaming, criticizing those we love (or anybody really) and let’s joyfully negotiate!

 

This lovely, down-to-earth, lady also had a more serious message to impart.

 

It was about having the courage to speak your truth. To not hide your feelings or your true desires. There is no point hiding who we truly are or what we truly want in life. There is no point in squashing ourself in any way, shape or form.    

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 We only harm ourselves in the long run and, actually, we harm those we love and our relationships with them. If we are not being authentic, we prevent them from being authentic. We prevent our relationships from being authentic. We prevent growth and expansion. We prevent joy and love flowing freely.

 

So, let’s listen to the words of this wise loved one in Spirit.

 

Let’s all promise ourselves that we will no longer stifle our true feelings, squash whatever is in our hearts or stunt the growth of our love in this world. Let’s open our hearts to sharing our truths with those we love, and the world, as honestly yet kindly, as we possibly can.

 

As we enter in to these conversations with our loved ones, let’s open our hearts to listen, hear, speak and exchange opinions from a stance of joyful negotiation and deepest love!

 

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Thank you so much to this beautiful lady in Spirit for bringing this message forward and to my clients who agreed to let me share this phrase from their reading with you.

 

If you would like to connect with Spirit via a clairvoyant reading with me to see what their magical guidance for your life might be, please visit my Work With Karen page where you will find out about a great ‘Winter Wonder Triple Treat’ that I am offering or email: karenpackwood@gmail.com. 

Sending You Much Love,

Happy ‘ Joyful Negotiating’!

Karen

xxx

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author, Clairvoyant and Spiritual Healer runs wilderness retreats  specialising in healing the wounds of the inner child.  Her aim is to help her clients restore broken self esteem so that they can live life at the highest and most joyful level possible.

 

To find all about Karen, please visit:   About Karen!

To work with Karen, please visit:   Work With Karen

Join her Facebook book page:

Follow her on twitter: @karen_packwood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I Grow Older, I Grow Happier.

 

” The Way to Success is to Follow Your Heart.”  (Anon)

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Dear Reader,

Please remember that tonight it is the full moon.

The Harvest Moon.

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This evening it is also an eclipse, so very very special.

Next week, it’s the equinox.

Time to begin preparing for the Autumn.

Autumn:  Harvest. Gathering in. Reaping what you have sown.

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A time of gratitude for all abundances  received throughout the year.

A time of celebration of all achievements attained.

Preparing for the time of bedding down for the winter, of coming back in to ourselves to re-stock our inner resources. To sit in peace with the land over the winter months. Before we do that, however, we are given the autumn where we are allowed to discard old skins and outworn aspects of our lives.

A time of reflection.

A magical, magical time where we are surrounded by golden colours and deep russet reds. Magical, magical,  as magical as the golden sun and leaves that meld together for a while autumn-1507954_1920until fading away in to wintertime where the sun still shines but in a more gentle manner.

I wonder what you are grateful for this year?

What wonderful gifts have come your way that perhaps you have taken for granted?

I know that I can forget so easily each little triumph or step forward or moment of joy.

I can also forget the gifts in the tears and the endings. The richness in the conflicts. The learning that came along. I can forget where I was at this time last year and see how much more serene I am, how I have grown more contentedly in to my own skin.

As I grow older, I grow happier.

Which is strange as I had presumed for so long that it would the opposite.

I am stronger now to ask for what I want, to be honest with myself about what I need. I have no qualms about reaching for it. No fear about letting go of anything that does not serve my highest self. It becomes easier and easier the older I become.

I am, in my ageing process, becoming stronger not weaker.

I am grateful for the role of my little one within in all of this.

child-1347388_1280By listening to her,  I have been able to grieve, heal and transform so much until I finally  came back to a sense of oneness with my self as I am now, as I have always been. I have been led to a pathway of  finding joy within my elder self by holding the hand, and being guided by, my younger self. How amazing is that?

What a rich gift.

I feel so grateful that this is the work I do in this world.  Teaching people how to hold their own hands so that they can come back in to a place of oneness with their true self – their true harmonious self – where they are connected with their own deep inner peace, courage and contentment. 

Back to the tranquility, wonder and magic of  early childhood. But in an adult way.

People talk about magical childhoods.

I’m interested in helping people to create magical adulthood.

As I write, however, I am also aware of areas of neglect. How I have areas of my life that can become malnourished if I don’t attend to them. I can forget to socialise with people which feeds me greatly, I can forget to spend time in the woods, I can forget to eat nourishing foods and even, on occasions, to get enough sleep. All the basic things. I can be very good at forgetting them.

My intention on this full moon, as I prepare for the equinox, is to spend some time creating a nourishing autumnal schedule for myself that feeds all of me, not just part of me.

How about you?

What is your reflection on this past year so far?

What are you grateful for?

 What malnourished part of your life  do you wish to feed?

Spend some time with the stunning moon this evening, drinking in the magnificent energy and listening to the whispers of your own heart.

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Live in peaceful serenity between now and the equinox and prepare yourself for releasing of all that no longer serves you  so that, as winter sets in, you can begin to sow the seeds of new growth.   

Please feel free to share, in the comment section below, what you are grateful for during this harvest time and how you would like to bring further nourishment in to your life. I would love to know.

Sending You All Much Love,

Karen xx

” Sometimes, the most profound adventures lie within us and the greatest journey is the journey of our own transformation once we begin to honour our truth.”

Karen Packwood – The Love Millionaire ( to be published in 2017)

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author and Spiritual Healer specialising in healing the wounds of the inner child following childhood trauma with the aim to restore self esteem to the highest and most joyful level possible.

To work with Karen, please visit: https://thelovemillionaire.com/work-with-karen/

Follow her on twitter: https://twitter.com/karen_packwood

Join her Facebook book page: https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

You can also email Karen on karenpackwood@gmail.com

xxx

Paint A New Picture for Your Life.

Letting Go of All That No Longer Serves.

“If only she had known her worth, she would’ve stopped begging for the crumbs of other people’s hearts.”

Chishala Lishomwa

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I once owned a beautiful sofa. I loved it so much. It was deep purple with soft, voluminous cushions. Friends would remark on the elegance of this prized possession of mine. This was back in the day when I was living a conventional life as a teacher and owned a small semi-detached house on a housing estate in a London overspill town in Suffolk, UK. It was my first proper ‘upscaled’ owned house. My former home, also owned, had been a tiny one up one down affair in a rural village not so far from my newly acquired semi-detached. I was in my early thirties and doing what I thought I had to do:

conventional job + conventional home = conventional life.

The home had everything you would expect a home to have, including the aforementioned magnificent sofa that cost me three months wages which I, following modern day convention, purchased with my credit card.

How very, very grown up I felt.

On the surface.

Job +Home + Credit Card + Sofa = Grown Up = Happiness

That’s the right maths, isn’t it?

That’s what we’re taught to aspire to in this society. Right?

The trouble was, I wasn’t happy.

I was actually deeply, deeply unhappy.

And sad.

And – mostly – bored. Life had no colour.

I would come home from my job, exhausted by my own ‘ fed-upness’  and sink in to that sofa with a sense of overwhelming gloom and loneliness. The truth was my ‘ job + home + credit card + sofa = grown up = happiness’ equation just wasn’t adding up for me. I was unsatisfied, with a profound gnawing sense of wrongness about my own well being.

A Grand Life Decision:

In those days, I had no qualms about making grand life changing decisions in the blink of an eye – normally on dull weekends in February at the heart of winter’s darkness. This particular year was no exception. I decided to quit my job and open a restaurant. Like you do.

Within six weeks I had resigned, rented out my home, bought a second home back in my home county, bought a restaurant and moved. Taking my oversized credit card purchased sofa with me.

Did I mention that I knew nothing about running a restaurant? My greatest experience linked with the restaurant trade had been back in my teenage days working as a waitress with my mates in a Wimpy Bar!

It turned out, not surprisingly, that this was not the best grounding for owning and running a restaurant serving a full a la carte dinner menu. It also turned out that:

 

1: It’s hard to earn money in the restaurant trade, and:

     2: I didn’t like owning, running or working in a restaurant. 

 

In fact, I hated it more than I hated my former job.

 

I actually did sink in to that oversized sofa, symbol of my ‘grown-upness’, every night – often falling in to a gloomy sleep upon it.

Needless to say, I didn’t last long in the restaurant trade. Unlike my ‘ safe’ teaching job which I stuck at for many unhappy years, my decision to leave the restaurant trade was swift. I exited within a few painful months.

Poverty, Debt and Another Grand Idea:

There was, however, one tiny glitch to this particular spontaneous departure: lack of income. An equally, perhaps not surprising, swift spiral downwards equation occurred:

no income + utility bills + credit card bills + the need to eat  = poverty & debt.

Thank goodness I had my oversized sofa to sink in to each night. I could even hide some of the unopened and ignored demand letters under the vast cushions. Many of you might be familiar with this equation:

out of sight = out of mind – not.

It wasn’t long before the inevitable happened. Increased debt. Fear. Worry. Full depression resulting in me having to sell my homes and move in to rented accommodation. Thank goodness I had my sofa to remind me of my former ‘glory’ days when life was ‘ sweet’, when I was conventional and safe and ‘grown up’.

The only house I could afford to rent was a tiny, tiny terraced cottage where my sofa took up most of the space in the living room. I had had to ‘let go’ of most of my other furniture but nothing was going to persuade me to get rid of my sofa – my one emblem of my former ‘ successful’ life. Besides, I was still trying to pay for it and I was convinced that ‘one day soon’ I would have a new home where it would fit in perfectly. No – the sofa must stay. At all costs. Until one day, out of the blue, a thought arose within me bringing a new type of equation in to my life:

‘Let it go. What are you holding on to it for? It’s overtaking everything. Let it go.’

So I did.

I donated my oversized and over expensive credit card purchased sofa ( for which, remember, I was still paying) to a charity for homeless people and immediately felt a whole lot better. I quickly realised that this sofa, a former symbol of sophistication in my life, had actually become a millstone around my neck entrapping me in a life for which I had no desire. I had, in effect, been living a life where I had been offering myself crumbs of joy, barely touching the surface of all that could make me happy. 

Letting the sofa go was, it transpired, one of the most freeing acts of my life. 

Liberation –  And What the Sofa Taught me About Love:

After that, my life followed a pattern of letting go of everything from furniture to locations to people to expectations. A process of clearing and cleansing on every level of my life. A process of discovering who I really was, what I really wanted and needed for my own well being at the highest level.

Although sometimes frightening, it was mainly liberating.  I honoured this new found freedom in my life and slowly but surely, bit by bit, a new life formed.

A life where I felt happier ever. More real. More vibrant. More alive. More excited. More genuine.

I began to find out who I am and what makes me tick. Joyfully.

Do I ever miss that sofa? No! Not for one second! Ditching that sofa was the most freeing act of my life! It taught me many things, including lessons in love:

You can’t hang on to love because of memories and nostalgia. There has to be a positive sense of self esteem and self worth in the love in the here and now.

Love has to feed you in the here and now, bring you what you want in the here and now – not as an attachment to the past or hope for the future but right here, right now it must nourish you, bring you joy and nurture you. It must help you flourish and create a sense of bloom within you.

Are you being fed or starved by love?  Not just tickled with the hint of potential happiness but with a full on daily deluge of joy?

You can’t stay in a relationship because you pity or care for someone and that includes yourself.  You must be in a relationship, any relationship,  because you feel valued and appreciated, because you have fun with someone.  And that, I repeat,  includes a relationship with yourself.

Neither can you stay in a relationship as some form of passive aggressive way of getting your own back or proving your point or getting your own way. You have to be there because you want to be there. Because it serves you and nourishes you at the highest level. And this must, I emphasise, include your relationship with yourself. 

Love does not drag you down, make you small or ignore you.

Love worth it’s weight in gold does not offer you crumbs. 

Love raises you up to your highest height.

Love, in all its forms, cannot be, must not be an oversized, bulky lump of furniture in your life.

And that includes your love for yourself.

Isn’t it time to discover what you need to ‘let go of’  in order to ‘liberate’ your life?

 Regrets and A New Equation:

Do I have any regrets about getting rid of my precious sofa?

None at all! Getting rid of my sofa taught me:

Letting Go = Relief = Liberation = Freedom to Expand = Honesty Living = JOY!

‘Letting go’ of that cumbersome, bulky, hefty, debt-inducing sofa brought me nothing but liberation and freed me up to  to paint a bright new picture for my life!

Never Be Afraid To Let Go of All that No Longer Serves You. 

A Question for You: 

If you had to think of one thing right now to release from your life that would make you happier and more joyful,  what would it be? 

Leave A comment to Let Me Know!

I’d love to know what your version of my sofa is or has been?!

Never Be Afraid to Paint A new Picture for Your Life. 

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