How the Trauma of Rejection Contributes to Life Falling Apart. Part 2 of my ‘How to Survive in A Spiritual Wilderness’ Series.

Trauma:  ” … A deeply distressing or disturbing experience…”

Rejection: ” … the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc…. the action of spurning a person’s affections.”

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Trauma visits most of us at some point in life. Often, by it’s very nature, it arrives out of the blue, taking us unawares, leaving us rocked, shocked and quaking in it’s wake. The physical, emotional, psychological and often practical impact on us can be long lasting.

I’ve often pondered on the fact that some people seem to suffer more trauma than others.

Or, more truthfully, that my life seems to have experienced more trauma than others.

 In Part 1 of  my  How To Survive in a Spiritual Wilderness When Life Has Fallen Apart. Part 1. , I briefly outlined the time following my breakdown, specifically the immediate aftermath of waking up one evening and discovering that something within me had broken so irresolutely that I was scared to breath for fear that the fragility within would bring me to a final, deathly breakage. 

Questions. Questions.

It’s now several years since that fateful night yet I’ve never forgotten how, once I began my slow crawl to recovery, there were two questions that kept turning over in my mind:

 Why had this happened to me?

How was I ever going to recover?

I found myself focussing, inevitably, on the first question:

Why had this happened to me?

 What a journey that questioning was to lead me on.

 A Journey Into The Caves of the Past.

A journey in to the caves of my past where all my hidden hurts and sorrows, losses and grief were hidden.  A journey back in time, uprooting pretty much every pain I had gathered along the way. A journey in to the depths and breadths of my core wounds.     

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 Is, however, it right to drag up the past?

Many people might wonder if that was the right thing to do. When life was already in such a difficult place, why drag up pain from the past? Wouldn’t that be detrimental, keeping me stuck in a state of un-wellness, prolonging my journey back to wellness?

 I’m sure others might feel that to be true and there does come a time to release the past and welcome in the future but, at that point, for me, it was the only way. I had to try and make sense of all that had happened to bring my life crashing down.  My healing instinct left me in know doubt: 

the past was the road to the future.      

   

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 Although this journey was to eventually take me back many years to when I was just a tiny child, it was to the life of another child that my journey initially led me. A more recent traumatising event. An event that had taken place just three years before my breakdown.

To the birth of my own child.

Motherhood.

 September 2002.

 

The clear blue line gently came to life, resting strongly in parallel synchronicity with the model line to it’s left.

 

Positive.

 

Pregnant.

 

A new life growing inside me.

 

I’d just left the security of my teaching job and opened a restaurant, working long days often finishing in the early hours of the morning. I’d also just relocated from the South of England to the Midlands, buying a new home in a small and isolated rural village, leaving behind friends and community. Ready to begin afresh.

My life was on the cusp of so many new uncertainties that had felt, at the time of the change to be big adventures yet now here was the biggest cusp of all.

 Motherhood.

 I instantly loved this unborn child with every fibre of my being. I had no doubt:

 This child coming to life was heaven sent, my soul purpose in life, my reason for living.

 Knowing what I now know of what was to come, it was good that I felt so strong and positive.

 The Father Receives the News.

I spent a few days taking in the news in my own personal way, quietly sitting by myself. Not speaking, just being and feeling. Connecting with my child. I wanted this sacred time with my child before bringing the news of my pregnancy out in to the world. I had no idea how anyone would react, most of all the child’s father whom I’d only been dating for just a short while.

 One afternoon a few days later, sitting on the floor of my dining room with a shaft of bright afternoon sun streaming on to the floor in front of me, I called him.

man-talking-on-the-phone-1582238_1920 He answered in a nonchalant manner. It was hard to know what to say, so I thought it best just to get on with it:

 “ I have something to tell you.” Deep breath.  “I’m pregnant.”

 Without a pause, he replied:

 

“ Well, that’s fucked everything up. I was going to tell you that I’ve been seeing someone else and I want to marry her.”

 

I hadn’t really known what to expect but, as you can imagine, I wasn’t expecting exactly that as a response.

 

Numb with shock, I don’t remember too much about the ensuing conversation. It was clear that he wasn’t interested in becoming a father. He decided to take some time to explore what kind of a role he wanted to play in the child’s life agreeing to ” … get back to me …”  

Terror 

Needless to say, he didn’t ‘get back to me’. Several weeks later, I called him again where, once more, he made it clear that he wanted nothing further to do with me or his child:

 “ I don’t want to know when it’s born or what it is. I don’t want any photos. I don’t want to know anything.”

 

I held the receiver to my ear taking in this rejection, my hand placed protectively over

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 my stomach shielding my child’s ears from these harsh words from it’s cruel father, aware of only one sensation:

 

Terror.

 

The overwhelming awareness that I was now solely responsible for this precious unborn child growing within me.

 

No words will ever describe the awareness that such a responsibility brings with it.

 

But there was something else too.

Resolve 

Washed in with this terror was a resoluteness, a silent promise to my child:

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 I will never let you down. I will do everything in my power to bring you in to this world safely and to provide you with everything you need. You will never go without and that includes sufficient love. I will love you with the love of a mother and a father. I will never allow you to feel anything other than what you are:

the most precious gift to this world and the most precious gift to my life.

 

 

Little did I know, however,that my life was about to spiral further out of control. Little did I know that in a just a few short months, three months too early in fact, my child was about to make an early and traumatic arrival in to this world.

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 Whilst I kept my promise about love, I was soon to learn, as I’ll share with you in my next blog, that a fragile young premature baby needs a whole lot more than love. 

And so does her mother.

 Sending You All My Love, 

Karen

xxx

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author & Spiritual Healer who runs on-line and live wilderness retreats for adults who are in the midst of their own spiritual wilderness so that that they can re-claim their joy and purpose in life.

She is currently writing the book: The Love Millionaire – Cultivating the Art of Inner Richness.

To find out more about Karen, visit: About Karen!

To work with Karen, visit: Work With Karen

To connect on Facebook, visit: https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

To connect on Twitter, visit: https://twitter.com/karen_packwood

Email Karen at karenpackwood@gmail.com

© No part of this blog may be reproduced without the written permission of the author.

Karen would like to thank her daughter for giving permission to publish the story of her birth within this blog series.

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My Life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Survive in a Spiritual Wilderness When Life Has Fallen Apart. Part 1.

Dictionaries define the words wilderness, spiritual and falling apart thus: 

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Wilderness:  ” … a wild and uncultivated region, as of forest or desert, uninhabited or inhabited only by wild animals; a tract of wasteland…” (1)

Spiritual:   “… relating to deep feelings and beliefs …” (2) 

Falling Apart: “… to lose one’s emotional or mental composure…” (3)

Once, however, you’ve found  yourself ‘fallen apart’  in the midst of a spiritual wilderness,  you know that, in reality, these  descriptions are tame. In fairness, it’s hard to find the right words or phrases to describe the living hell that is at the heart of a true spiritual wilderness. For me, the one word that comes close to summing it up is: bereft.

Bereft: … feeling great loss … a sense of deprivation or lack… ” (4)

But even that doesn’t quite get to the nub of it.

Those of you that have been there will know exactly what I mean.


I first, consciously, found myself in the heart of a spiritual wilderness ten years ago following a massive breakdown.

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shame, weakness, failure …

In the middle of one dark February night, I awoke and fell apart. Quite literally shattered in to smithereens. My life was about to change course – drastically. 

Forever. 

For the better.

Of course, I didn’t know that then. All I knew then was that I was completely unable to function. As the lone mother of a young toddler, I should have been terrified. How on earth was I going to cope?

Interestingly, I wasn’t terrified. I was too broken and numb to know what I was feeling or thinking. I wasn’t thinking or feeling. I wasn’t even being.

For the first six months of that period, I did nothing but sleep. I even had to move in to a relatives home in order to be cared for.

I have absolutely no memory of those six comotosed months.

What I do remember is waking up, the sensation of ‘coming too’.

 

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the black hole …

 

Unable to open my eyes, I lay there, simply sensing what was going on within me.

It was my legs that caught my fleeting attention first with their weak weight against the mattress. I knew that there was no strength in them to move. 

 This awareness was followed by my first thought in over six months:

‘ My life will never be the same again.’

It came in rapidly, as thoughts do, leaving just as quickly. Washed away by a tsunami of terror that crashed through me, reaping destruction on every shred of my confidence and former life along the way.

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complete and utter overwhelm…

How would I be able to survive this inner natural disaster ?

I had a young child to care for. I had myself to care for yet here I was – utterly broken.

The tsunami was swiftly followed by  bleak depression which became an unwelcome resident within me, an unwanted partner in crime on what was to be a long, lonely and lost pathway within my own inner wilderness.

It’s a good job that I didn’t know then that I was going to be walking on that desolate road for several years. It might, however, have helped me to know that I would, one day, look back and be so deeply grateful to have had the rich gifts of that journey.

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blood, sweat and tears..

For it was on that journey, where I often felt as if I were dying or yearned to die, that I came back to life. I was re-born and reconnected with a part of myself that had died a long time ago. Way before the actual breakdown occurred.

Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t so much that something had died, more like I just hadn’t given birth to the part of myself that was to come to life while I walked what I now describe as:  The Wilderness Way.

So what did come to life? What did I give birth to?

The answer is quite simple.

I gave birth to my life as I am truly meant to be living it.

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when the smile finally returned….

I gave birth to freedom of self, to honouring my true needs, to understanding my true worth and value, to appreciating my self-esteem, to acknowledging my gifts and how I want to express them in the world from a stance that is perfect for my own highest well being. I gave birth to the rhthym in which I wish to live my life.

You see, I had to reach a point of breakdown. I was so far removed from who I truly was that I just couldn’t function any more. We are not born to live false, dead lives. What is the point in that? We are born to live according to our own precious uniqueness. We are here to have fun and to laugh – a lot. We are here to adventure with ourselves – taking delight in all that we are capable of. We are born to get to know ourselves on every level. We are born to be, quite simply, happy. On our own terms. For the greater good of all.

When you are in the wilderness, you might feel like the most lonely and lost person in the world, yet all you are really doing is embarking of a journey of discovery. You are on the pathway back to finding yourself. Behind every tree or under each moss laden rock, there is a part of you to re-claim. On the bank of each wild river there is a  ‘you’ who is eager to swim courageously to the other side to meet a brand new part of your self.  Beside each roaring fire, there is part of you ready to re-ignite your life in so many exciting ways. Under each full moon, there is part of you ready to sit in peace and silence, knowing with surety that you did what you came here to do.

‘But Karen,’ I hear you ask, ‘I have a yearning for this way of living but I haven’t had a breakdown,  yet I feel so lost. I want to feel these things you describe. I want the courage to swim that river and to feel the peace under the moon. I  want to sit by that fire and re-ignite my life.

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Are You Doing What You Came Here to Do?

Do you have to have had a breakdown in order to feel as if you are living in a wilderness?’

The answer is simple:

No.

You do not have to have suffered an horrific breakdown to find yourself in the wilderness.

The wilderness will reveal itself in different ways to different people.

For some, like myself, it came as a dramatic occurrence, manifesting as a long-lasting debilitating illness of some kind whilst, for others, it can be a more subtle, nagging ‘knowing’ that all is not well. You know, where you find yourself sighing a lot or having that ‘ there must be more to life than this’ thought regularly.

Take my advice. This is the time to act. Those sighs and thoughts are clear indicators that part of you is living in the wilderness, where many aspects of your life are depleted, malnourished or out of balance and where you have a yearning and knowing that all is not as it is meant to be. They are clear signs that your life essence is calling out to you, screaming:

‘Come back to who you were always meant to be.’

I didn’t listen to those signs. I was too busy living life at too fast a pace, giving way too much to others, ignoring my self and, quite frankly, just too ignorant to even know that those sighs and yearnings were internal gifts trying to nudge me in the right direction. I urge you – don’t be like me. After all, look how I ended up. Seriously ill and at a place where it has taken years to recover.

Then I hear your next question:

‘How Karen? How do you do it? How do you recover from a breakdown? How do you pull yourself out of depression? What do you do with that ‘ there must be more to life than this feeling?’ 

I’d love to tell you that there is a simple and easy answer to these questions but the truth is, there isn’t. And I’m not going to lie to you.

My recovery from my breakdown and depression has been one of the hardest, loneliest and most terrifyingly complex experiences of my life. It has destroyed me on the inside and crumpled my life on the outside. It has been a long slow crawl back to life. 

But it has been worth it.

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joyful fun with my daughter!

I am genuinely happier than I have ever been before.      

 

Ultimately, my breakdown liberated me. 

I have rarely spoken (or written) in depth about my journey of recovery, mainly due to the fact that it’s taken all my effort to just do the work I needed to do to come to a place of wellness again.

Another contributory factor is that behind any breakdown there are, often, deeply personal and traumatic experiences that can be painful to re-visit. It’s desirable to deal with those and move on. 

 Now, however, due to the interest demonstrated by readers of some of my recent blogs, I’ve decided to devote my writing this year to telling the story of my recovery – in the hope that it might help others who are living with the horror and terror of such a difficult experience.

 I shall be posting these experiences on this blog on alternate weeks. If you would like to follow my story of recovery, please feel free to follow me here. 

In my next blog, I shall be sharing the heart-rending story of one of the key life changing events that triggered my descent in to my breakdown, casting me in to my own spiritual wilderness, leading me in to the heart of The Wilderness Way. 

 If you are struggling to survive in your own spiritual wilderness, please know that I am sending you love, strength and courage. I urge you to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope my sharing my story and, more importantly, how I dug my way to recovery, helps you do the same. In the meantime, you might find these two articles that i wrote at the end of last year helpful:

1: How My Breakdown Helped Me to Learn to Trust my Inner Wisdom

2: 4 Nourishing Ways to Cope With Falling Apart.

Remember: ” … the greatest adventure is the journey of our own transformation once we begin to honour our truth…” (Karen Packwood – The Love Millionaire).

Sending You Much Much Love,

Karen

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author & Spiritual Healer who runs on-line and live wilderness retreats for adults who are in the midst of their own spiritual wilderness so that that they can re-claim their joy and purpose in life. 

She is currently writing the book: The Love Millionaire – Cultivating the Art of Inner Richness. 

To find out more about Karen, visit: About Karen!

To work with Karen, visit: Work With Karen

To connect on Facebook, visit:  https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

To connect on Twitter, visit:    https://twitter.com/karen_packwood

Email Karen at karenpackwood@gmail.com

 

© No part of this blog may be reproduced without the written permission of the author. 

 

 

 

One Vital Reason to Feel Grateful For Your Life Today.

Morning Message from Spirit:

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‘You may be just one drop in the ocean but, if you weren’t there, the ocean would not be complete.’

Treasure your precious uniqueness today – all the special gifts in that medicine bundle of your soul that make you, and all that you bring in to the world because of those special gifts, you.

Take a moment to pause and ask yourself:

What special gift of mine am I honouring today?

How am I going to share that with the world?

Why is it important to me to do this?

How do I hope to help others?

Today, I choose to honour my gift of bringing Spirit’s work in to the world to help and support people create transformations in their life that bring deep healing, release of suffering and movement towards freedom and expanse in life. 

I do this as I have witnessed so many times the value of this work for my clients. The mountainous shifts that occur in people’s live, emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, and much more besides, when they honour their own img_3398unique preciousness by stepping on to their personal pathway of healing. 

I do this as I know the results of my own journey of transformation after I  chose to let go of a life that no longer served me and found the courage, and wisdom, to honour a life that does. 

I have come to see the benefits of doing this many times over. 

This is what I value seeing in my clients. 

What an honour and privilege it is to be able to say that I am living a life that feels whole, valuable, rich and precious. A life full of purpose. A life with dignity and integrity. A life full of authenticity. Perhaps even a purity. 

What a precious gift it is to see my clients strip away all that no longer serves them, like discarding an old shabby, misshapen cardigan to reveal a new part of themselves appearing as if adorned with jewels and colourful silks. 

So, yes. Today, and everyday, I choose to honour this gift. 

And you? Did you decide yet?

What gift are you going to honour in this world today?

What will that look like?

How will it serve others?

Pause.                  img_3136

Breath. 


Check in with yourself. 

See what gift appears.

Now go and honour it. 

 Then, when you have completed your day, take time to pause once more. To reflect on this gift with gratitude. Take a moment to acknowledge the joy and love that you will have brought in to the world, for yourself and for all those you touched with this gift. 

And know that it is true: 

 

You may be just one drop in in the ocean but, if you weren’t there, the ocean would not be complete.

And that is why you must be grateful today. Because, quite simply,  you matter.

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If you would like the opportunity to take some time to strip away the burdens of everyday life so that you can reconnect with your own unique gifts, I invite you to sign up for my magical  ‘Spirit Spa Special’, a two hour, on-line, mini spiritual retreat that takes you on a journey back to the centre of your being so that you will be reminded. and  appreciative of, your value in this world.

My aim is to help you identify at least one new direction in which to take your life so that you feel as if you are living a life full of purpose, integrity, honesty and truth. This will mean that you are stepping closer and closer to living your life at the highest, and most joyful, level possible.

Each mini retreat includes:

A One hour  in-depth clairvoyant reading

+

30 minute Spiritual Healing treatment

+

Chakra Cleanse and Balance

The investment for this is 75GBP/97USD/€85

 ” I arrived feeling empty and exhausted, I left feeling nourished and held.” SJ – Helsinki, Finland.

To ‘sign up’, email:   karenpackwood@gmail.com     or visit: Work With Karen 

Wishing You a Peaceful and Loving Day.

Karen

A Woman Loving Her Soul and Inviting You to Do the Same.

xxx

 

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author, Clairvoyant and Spiritual Healer who runs wilderness retreats specialising in healing the wounds of the inner child. Her aim is to help her clients restore broken self esteem so that they can live life at the highest and most joyful level possible.

To find out more about Karen, visit:  About Karen!

To work with Karen, visit: Work With Karen

To connect on Facebook, visit: https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

To connect on Twitter, visit: @karen_packwood

 

 

 

3 Nourishing Ways to Cope with Anxiety Induced Indecision.

Indecision can be debilitating.

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Indecision combined with anxiety can be excruciatingly debilitating.

In my experience, indecision and anxiety walk hand in hand with each other. When we add in fear, which is normally lurking not far from anxiety and indecision, you’ve then got a recipe for exhausting sleepless nights. 

 

For many, the most debilitating aspect of indecision is the confusion that swirls around in the mind. It becomes impossible to ‘think straight’. The underlying question that can’t be answered is:

 

What is the right thing for me to do in this situation?  

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And therein lies the problem.

 

Can you see what the ‘problem’ is with this question?

 

For me, the difficulty  comes with these words, and the expectations behind them:

 

right

thing

do

 

Right: because it implies there is a wrong solution.

 

There is an inherent belief that we have to find the one and only correct ‘thing’ to solve the answer to our indecision. It creates fear around ‘getting something wrong’. Leading to concerns of:

if we get the answer wrong, what terrible outcome will follow?    

 

There is also an implication that an action is required – you have got to ‘do’ something.  Of course, that might be true. Many decisions do require us to take actions but, I believe, before we jump in to making any decisions, we should approach our indecision, and the accompanying anxiety and fear in a kinder and more gentle manner.

KINDNESS

How would it feel if, next time you faced a chronic phase of indecision, you gave yourself this question instead:

 

What are the most nourishing and liberating ways forward for me with this situation?

 

Doesn’t that feel a lot nicer than the first question?!

 

Immediately we are given room to breath. 

FREEDOM!

 We’re given permission for the decision making process, and the solution, to be enriching and flexible in some way.

 

Now, what if I asked you to think of 3 delicious ways forward, or 30 even?!

THERE IS NO ‘ONE RIGHT ANSWER’!

We don’t have to think of the one right answer! We can have 3, 30 or an infinite amount of possible ways forward!

 

But, hang on a minute, I hear you cry! Doesn’t that just lead to more confusion and indecision?

 

Who needs more choices when you’re suffering from anxiety induced indecision?!

 

Well – here’s the thing:

 

The indecision has been caused because of a perceived problem in your life.

 

In my experience, the best way to solve a problem is to begin to become actively creative with it. To get to know it. To explore it.

 

To crack it open like a nut to see what goodness lies within.

 

But how is that different to confusion, I hear you ask again? And that leads us to:

CREATIVITY!

My hunch is that if you’re someone who had difficulty making decisions, it isn’t because you can’t think of one solution to the problem, it’s because you can probably think of many possible solutions and can’t decide between them all. You’re probably, even if you don’t realise it, a highly creative thinker.

The difference between confusion and these ‘creative solutions’ is that the latter is about consciously choosing a variety of options. You are in control of the ideas flowing around in your head as opposed to vice versa. These conscious creative solutions also come from a place of positivity and empowerment as opposed to feeling out of control and disempowered.

Besides, if you have to make a decision, why not make sure you’ve consciously explored as many solutions as possible before making your final choice!

Why not open up to having some fun with the indecision.

*

Take a Look at the following 3 Nourishing and Conscious Ways to Explore Anxiety Induced Confusion.

Step 1: Consciously Connecting with Your Highest Wisdom

 

Sit comfortably.

meditation-1724777_1920Breath in slowly ten times.

Imagine you’re sitting by a vast ocean. Feel the sea breeze upon your face. Imagine your back is resting against warm rocks, supporting you lovingly. Hear the lapping of the waves. Feel the sun on your face.

 

Say to yourself:

 

I trust completely that I will find my way forward with this decision for the greater good of all, for myself, for all those I love and for the world in general.

 

I know the answers lie confidently within me.

 

I believe in my own goodness and wisdom. I believe my soul will support me making a wise and loving decision.

 

I ask that the wisdom of the ocean, which represents the wisdom of my soul, to show me clearly the way forward in this situation.

 

I love myself. I trust myself.

 

Then, sit quietly. Let your body rest and your mind be at peace. Keep breathing long slow breaths.

Step 2: Consciously Releasing All Possible Solutions.

Take up a pen and piece of paper.                                                board-1647323_1920

Before your write, breath in to your body and ask,

Please show me 10 – 30 ways in which this problem can be solved for my own highest good.

Then let yourself, without thinking too much, write those answers down.

If you don’t reach 10, don’t worry. Or, if you can think of over 30 – great! Keep going until you have exhausted every idea possible. Ignore any doubting thoughts that arise.

 

 

Step 3: Consciously Allowing the Solution to Step Forward.

Now come back to sitting peacefully with your body. Keep your eyes closed and ask:

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Please can the most beneficial solution, for my highest good to this question, present itself …….

   

 

On the paper before you, write the answer down.

Don’t judge or reject it.

Sit with it.

And thank it for coming forward to you.

*

BUT, WHAT IF……..?

Now, I know that if you suffer from Anxiety Induced Indecision, you might then fall into complete doubt and fear of your own wisdom!

Don’t worry! In my next blog, I share how to alleviate those doubts and fears!  Or read my blog: How to move from fear to confidence: 

https://thelovemillionaire.com/2016/09/13/how-to-move-from-fear-to-confidence

If you feel drawn to share your experiences of how this process worked for you,  I’d love for you to leave a comment via the comment box below.  Alternatively, feel free to email me at karenpackwood@gmail.com.

Sending Much Love,

Karen xxx

 

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Karen is a #1 Best Selling Author and Spiritual Healer specialising in healing the wounds of the inner child following childhood trauma with the aim to restore self esteem to the highest and most joyful level possible.

To work with Karen, please visit: https://thelovemillionaire.com/work-with-karen/

Follow her on twitter:    https://twitter.com/karen_packwood

Join her Facebook book page: https://www.facebook.com/thelovemillionaire/

You can also email Karen on karenpackwood@gmail.com

 

” Sometimes, the most profound adventures lie within us and the greatest journey is the journey of our own transformation once we begin to honour our truth.”

Karen Packwood – The Love Millionaire ( to be published in 2017)